Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
