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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.